i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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