I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
