This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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