While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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