i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
