I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
