Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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