stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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