I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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