My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
