true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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