I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize