I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
