Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
