Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You were trust falling into bushes
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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