Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
