A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
