just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
