The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm bleeding and have questions
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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