atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize