it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
