im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
