I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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