is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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