Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
they need to just BURY HIM!
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
