grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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