That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
COCAINE IS GR8
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
