OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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