Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
