I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
