This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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