You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
