woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
why is half of my head shaved?
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