Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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