my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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