OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
