i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Boobs speak an international language.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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