i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I pour the whiskey from now on
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
