Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
