my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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