Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
