There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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