I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
