She went from zero to smokin in five shots
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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