Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
we're chasing vodka with high fives
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
