Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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