i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
