I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize