I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She said her name was "party"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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