i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
