My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I wish i was in the wii world.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
