Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
