we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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