I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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