You're my little dorito
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
