I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
