you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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