Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
