see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize