The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
