Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
