News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
As shirtless as possible
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
