why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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