i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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