If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
