Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
