I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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