can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
