If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
How naked do you want me to be?
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