In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
