I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
