i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
