I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
