i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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