i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
