the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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