The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
